


Wear, Tear and No Respect

by GayRedMage



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Belligerent Sexual Tension, Crisco, Sex, bewildered buster sword, finding new and exciting ways to make Angeal turn over in his grave, late-blooming curiosity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:00:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23705002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayRedMage/pseuds/GayRedMage
Summary: Cloud performs sacrilegious self-stimulation.And fantasizes about Corneo and Zack. Fun.
Relationships: Cloud/Buster sword, Don Corneo/Cloud Strife, Zack Fair/Cloud Strife
Comments: 11
Kudos: 42





	Wear, Tear and No Respect

**Author's Note:**

> Alternative title: Butt Handle
> 
> I had one too many a whiskey. Timeline in this is all over the place so whatever. I'm hammered. Excuse the typos and incoherent timeline.

Cloud was on his seventh beer for the night. Tifa kept them pouring while Cloud stared hard at the back wall, tiara askew, skirt coiled around the bar stool.

"Perhaps you should slow dow-"

"Not happening." he chugged the remaining drink and shoved his pint glass under her nose, "More."

Tifa rolled her eyes and served his eighth. "You know, you might feel better if you get changed?"

He snorted and sculled his beer to the last drop before tossing gil to the bar lady. "I'm heading up. _Don't_ let anyone disturb me."

Cloud hobbled away, barely managing to catch his footing with all that dress and those _damn stairs_ _. Why were there so many stairs?_

He sighed against his door, shutting out the sound from downstairs as he bathed in some drunken peace for a while. Until he caught a glimpse of himself hiccuping in his mirror. 

"Wow." he groaned, "Hot stuff."

Because everyone finds a trashed dude in a tacky Halloween costume of a dress the height of attractiveness. His mascara ran to his cheeks, that blush was just screaming from across the room, and where to even begin with the hair. Like a sun-bleached Pippi Longstocking.

At this point, he couldn't care less about Sephiroth and saving the planet and ending climate change, or whatever the hell it was that he was planning to do with his life. At this very moment in time, he was so prepared to just say 'fuck it', rock up to Shinra HQ dressed to the absolute nines in ruffles and silks and die by firing squad. That was his prerogative right now - find a way to end this suffering. Because Gaia knows he wanted what Tifa was wearing. Cloud looks bomb in navy blue. And he was certain his scrawny soldier boy legs would be killer in those heels. 

So unfair. He scrunched his nose up as he lifted his heavy skirt revealing leg hairs spilling from the top of his stockings. His low-effort cross-dressing was...well low-effort. And that bothered him. Because if he was going to wear feminine clothes, he was going to enjoy it to it's full extent. But hey, at least his legs looked great with the bows around his thighs.

He shook his head. _Woah man, not cool._ _Bows are dumb. Bows = dumb. Ok? Ok._ Cloud collapsed into bed. The last thing he needed right now was a sexual awakening. So of course it was the only thing occupying his mind as he felt the silky fabric of his bloomers between his ass cheeks. And the tight cinch of his waist in the corset, and the tickling of the ruffles at his clavicle. Of course he developed that mental image of _Hey...what if the Don and I DID do it?_

Like a wine glass shattering on concrete. Why was Cloud even thinking of this? He blinked up at the empty ceiling, as if searching the cosmos for an answer while the beer in his system goaded him into entertaining a fantasy of sausage fingers trailing over his big-boned 'girl' body. And he really couldn't deny how soft looking the Don's hair was. Could he pull it? He didn't know, but he'd sooner rip off his toupee to find out.

His eyes grew wider. Was he..? _Am I?_ He didn't have to be. _Bicurious is a thing, right?_ Young men love to explore. That's the best part of youth! _Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Why am I hard? Why is there a boner in my pants?_ It was a dress. _Stop thinking about that_ _fat prick._ He thought of his greasy lips, pouted and leaning in for a kiss. _NO!_

Cloud sat upright. "I think I have a kink." he said to himself, and the spider on the wall Tifa told him not to kill because something something ecosystem.

He wasn't really sure what the kink was, but he was prepared to furiously masturbate to find out what it was.

Skirt hitched up around his waist, hand down his pants - this boy was ready for action. He fisted his flaming hot slickened dick, surprising himself at how obscenely aroused he was by his abysmal get-up and Corneo infested fantasy. Cloud groaned at the feel of satin moving against his cock with each downward pass, his arousal soaking the front of his undergarments. He thrust into his hand, he had Corneo in his head sucking him off as Cloud slammed into his mouth. It was an alright fantasy, what with Cloud showing the Don a lesson in his mind, slapping his jello ass to teach that man respect for the ladies.

He paused as his fantasy became wilder. His strokes weakened until he barely held himself. The image of the sweaty old geezer with a saggy sack and drooping gut shoving his tongue between Cloud's toes burned into his mind's retinas. Cloud began to reconsider his bi-curiosity. _Ew...who would even...?_

Maybe stop thinking about Corneo. Maybe try someone attractive. Like Zack! Yeah, Zack is good. Dark hair, friendly eyes. Doesn't want to suck on your toes like the Don, probably. Yeah, Zack was a good choice. _Damn, Zack without his shirt that one time was alright._ Was it weird to masturbate to an old friend? Cloud was beyond the point of caring. His hand moving so fast he was sure to give himself a friction burn.

"Zack..." he moaned, biting his painted bottom lip as he tightened his grip. "Fuck me, yeah!"

Yes...fuck him. His mind took that thought and ran a mile with it. Fucking Zack in the Soldier lounge, fucking Zack in a field of maize, fucking Zack on a trampoline, fucking Zack in space, fucking Zack with Aerith watching...it was satisfying jacking off material.

But not quite...fulfilling...

There was a sense of emptiness in Cloud as he dreamed up these hot, sexy scenarios of his best bud. Perhaps it was because Zack was gone, or more importantly, because he never had the chance to _feel_ Zack. To feel his full 8 inches of girthy mako-powered sex stick. To have Soldier's finest ram his rod so deep into Cloud he'd develop some self-esteem. Or to make him cum so hard he wouldn't know where he ended and where Zack began. Like their souls become one. One really confused mass of man-loving energy.

No. Cloud couldn't nut all over this dress over some mere fantasy. He was going to feel Zack in him, damnit!

He slinked out of his room, avoided eye-contact with everyone as he worked his way into the kitchen.

Tifa poked her head through the kitchen door, "Need help?"

"No." he said, throwing pots and pans around the place before giving up, "Where's the oil?"

"Uhh...Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. Where's the oil?"

"What do you need it for?"

He rolled his eyes, "What is with this interrogation, Tifa?"

"I-"

"I'm making a salad."

"...ok..." she pointed to the shelf on the left wall, "It's over there." she said, before disappearing back to the bar.

He could practically hear angels sing as his eyes descended upon a small blue metal tin of everyone's favorite high-quality premium lube - Crisco.

Snatching it, he opened it on the way back up, slickening his fingers as he locked the door. He got undressed down to his thigh-highs, wig thrown against the wall, and bent himself over his bed. Cloud slapped his ass, imagining Zack's gloved hand striking him instead. He moaned, slipping his fingers into him, ramming in deep so he saw sparks and his jaw was twitching. Zack fucking him on a park bench, Zack fucking him on a desk...yeah that was a good scene. Paper all over the floor, Zack with his shirt off and his dog tags jerking about as he pounded Cloud into Sephiroth's desk because screw that guy!

But it wasn't enough. Three of his own fingers wasn't helping him get closer to Zack. If anything it just made him feel really horny and a little bit sad. _Alright, time to think. Zack...Zack...what do I have that reminds me of Zack?...No..._ He spied the buster sword at the end of the room. Could he...really? _Yes._

He wasn't thinking straight - well he really hadn't been since this whole ordeal started. Maybe it was the alcohol, but like lightning flashes, Cloud had the hilt and pommel glistening with Crisco. He let out a slow breath gently as he poked his asshole with the thick round end before driving most of the hilt in up to his fist. It was like a nervous system shock, he could swear he heard the reactor start up noise when he punched his prostate with Zack's legacy.

Cloud groaned something fierce. He was panting, grunting, growling - teeth pulling at his bed sheets as he twisted, pummeled and stuffed his ass full of the non-pointy end of the buster sword. His cheeks were flushed, his ass hungry for more blunt, hard stabbing as he pictured Zack doing all the work plunging the sword in and out of him. 

Cloud fisted his dribbling cock with his free hand, all wet from desire. His breath hitched, pounding himself - Zack pounding him, picturing Sephiroth's mind get blown as he walks into his office and witnesses the OSHA-violating use of a sword. He was so ready, Zack was so ready - Zack grabbed Cloud by the cheek and looked him deep into his soul, _"I'm coming for you, baby."_ he said, and Cloud pulled the sword from his ass and erupted all over it, rubbing his cock against the flat metal.

He huffed, trying to catch his breath, as his stabby dildo clattered to the floor. The image of Zack and the feel of his warm embrace fading away as Cloud slipped into dreamland.

* * *

It was morning. The sun was shining, breakfast was being made. And Cloud felt like absolute trash - hungover, throat and ass a complete wreck. His hideous dress and wig were crumpled into a sad pile on the floor. But none of that hurt as much as seeing Zack's prized sword lying on the floor, hilt shiny, with crusted white shame sauce tainting its blade.

He had some mouth-wash, took a shower, got dressed and hoisted his wiped-down sword onto his back. _Act normal. Act normal. Act normal._ He said to himself as he headed downstairs for some eggs and bacon.

Aerith smiled at him. He almost winced at how radiant she was. "'Morning Cloud!" she beamed, eyes widening when she saw the buster sword. "Oh wow! Can I see it up close?"

She stood up faster than Cloud could register, and his sword was off his back before he even noticed she was behind him.

Aerith giggled, stroking the shiny hilt, "You even polished it recently!"

...Cloud regretted trying to get closer to Zack. _Sephiroth...please find me, stab me and get this over with._

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. Thanks for reading this! Also thank Ecto for that brilliant alternative title. Nothing shall surpass the almighty 'Butt Handle'.


End file.
